Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great

By Judy Blume. Published 1972.

So Sheila Tubman is scared of pretty much everything. At home in New York, she’s scared of Peter Hatcher’s dog, Turtle. She prefers to climb ten flights of stairs instead of riding the elevator with him. But she won’t admit it. In fact, she won’t admit any of her “failings.”

Her family goes to Tarrytown for the summer, and stay in the Egran’s house, while they’re in England. Unfortunately, they left their dog, Jennifer, with the house. Sheila freaks the hell out, and only gets out of the car after promises that Jennifer will never go inside. Poor Jennifer.

Sheila is excited about not having to share a room with her older, ballet-obsessed sister, Libby. But it turns out the Egrans only have boys, so Sheila stays in a room full of models, and finds a threatening note from their owner.

Sheila meets a girl named Mouse, who introduces herself as the Yo-Yo Junior Champion of Tarrytown. She asks Sheila how many tricks she can do, but Sheila tells her that where she’s from, only babies yo-yo, and she hasn’t done it in eight years. You know, when she was two. You can tell Mouse doesn’t believe her, but she lets it go. She suggests they walk Jennifer, but Sheila says dogs give her hives. Oh, Sheila.

That afternoon, their mothers sign them up for the same day camp. Afterward, Mouse suggests they go to the pool. Sheila can’t swim, but will she admit to that? Hell no. So she says she’s getting over a cold. And her mother chooses that moment to come out and say it’s time to sign her up for swimming lessons. Well, shit.

And if you think Sheila was scared of shit before, it’s nothing compared to how she feels about swimming. Her instructor, Marty, is very nice to Sheila, but she just refuses to put her face in the water. However, if she doesn’t learn to swim by the end of the summer, Marty has to give her mother the money back, which he needs for college. That really doesn’t seem right to me, but ok. Since Sheila likes him, she at least gets in the water and learns how to kick.

It doesn’t seem Mouse holds Sheila’s lie against her. Although she does say something about how if someone doesn’t know how to do something, they should just say so, so Sheila knows she’s not buying her bullshit. And she’s brought Sheila a yo-yo of her own. Sheila says she may need lessons, since it’s been so long. Sure, Sheila.

Mouse tells Sheila all about Washington Irving and The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, since it’s set in Tarrytown. So now every sound Sheila hears at night is the Headless Horseman.

One day, Mouse’s mother is going out, so she goes to spend the day at Sheila’s. She suggests they invite the twins, Sondra and Jane, over. They get bored, so they decide to go over to Mouse’s to play hide and seek. Even though they’re not supposed to be there. There’s a way to get in, though, through the milk door. Mouse and Jane go in first, and then Sondra, who is a bit overweight, gets stuck. Sheila can’t pull her outside, the others can’t pull her inside. Sheila points out that Mouse and Jane could just unlock the door, and help her pull. Oh, yeah. So that works, but Sondra gets all scraped up in the process. She gets very dramatic, and can’t walk, so they carry her inside. Mouse says they’ll have to carry her upstairs to bandage her up. Sheila points out she should just bring the stuff downstairs. Oh, yeah.

After Sondra is fixed up, they get on with the game. Sheila is of course scared of hiding by herself in the big house. She hides for a long time in Mouse’s mom’s closet, when oh shit, Mouse’s mom herself finds her. Oops. They’re in pretty big trouble.

Sheila and Mouse’s favorite activity at day camp is pottery. They’ve stuck with it for weeks, even though they’re really supposed to switch. But one day, Sheila goes to the camp’s office, and sees the secretary using the mimeograph machine. Sheila thinks that would be great to use for a camp newspaper. She gets permission to start one, and is advised to form some committees. But no, Miss Sheila has to do everything herself. So she spends all week going around to different activities to report on them. She even makes up a crossword puzzle, and will offer a prize to the first person to complete it.

When it’s time to type up her newsletter, she insists on doing all that herself, too. And it takes for-fucking-ever. And then the mimeograph machine proves to be really damn difficult. So it ends up being a blotchy, blurry mess. But she hands them out anyway, calling it “Newsdate, by Sheila the Great.” It’s not very long before two guys find her with their completed puzzles. But Sheila doesn’t actually have a prize. So she thinks fast, thinking how fed up she is with the newsletter, and pronounces that the prize. They get to run it now. They actually set up committees, and wind up doing a really great job. They change the name, though.

One night Sheila is woken up by a ton of noise in the backyard. It seems Jennifer has found herself a little boyfriend. He keeps coming around for a while, but only at night. Except one day, Sheila and Mouse are outside, and Sheila feels like she’s being watched. It’s Jennifer’s friend. Sheila freaks, runs away, he chases, and she trips over Jennifer’s chain. She shuts her eyes, and feels what she thinks is blood all over her legs. It’s just Jennifer’s friend licking her, though.

One day Jennifer’s friend just stops coming. Jennifer is very sad, and then they find out she’s pregnant. They write to the Egrans, and they’re thrilled, telling the Tubmans they can have the pick of the litter. Sheila throws a shit fit, but Libby throws one right back, wanting the puppy. Their parents say it doesn’t matter yet, anyway.

At camp, they’re going to be putting on Peter Pan. Sheila and Mouse are happy just painting scenery, but Libby desperately wants to be Wendy. However, she gets Captain Hook, and is totes upset about it. She decides to learn Wendy’s lines anyway, in case that girl gets sick. Whatever. Sheila and Mouse end up onstage anyway, behind an arch to hold it up, because otherwise it falls over. As someone who builds a hell of a lot of scenery for theatre, this upsets me greatly. But this way Sheila learns everyone’s lines, and is able to say Wendy’s lines for her when she forgets.

Marty is still working on trying to get Sheila to put her face in the water. He’s really proud of her when she says it’s because she’s scared. She’s never admitted it before. Marty shows her just how easy it is. Sheila thinks about him having to give the money back, and finally decides to try. After many false starts, she freaking finally gets it. Then Marty tells her the next step is a swimming test. Shit!

Sheila gets to have a slumber party with Mouse, Sondra, and Jane. Libby gets to have a friend over, too, which pisses Sheila off. But the two of them pretty much ignore the younger girls. Mouse comes up with the idea to make a slam book. Oh, this will go well. So everybody writes what they think about the others hair, face, body, brain, best thing, worst thing, and in general. Of course, everyone ends up all upset. Well, no shit. But my goodness, they really go all out, and end up throwing all the toy models at each other, breaking them. Libby comes in, and says she’s going to tell their parents. Sheila says, “Blah, blah, blah.” For some reason, this makes everyone laugh, and they’re all friends again. Ok. They spend the rest of the night trying to repair the models.

It’s the day of Sheila’s swimming test, and she hopes for all sorts of ways to get out of it, but to no avail. First she has to swim the length of the pool, forty feet. She thinks she’ll never be able to do it, but Marty is right there with her, and her friends cheer her on. After she makes it, she has to tread water for two minutes. She thinks she’s going to die, but she’s able to do it. She passes her test, but can’t really celebrate. She’s so tired, she promptly falls asleep.

The Tubmans have a barbeque for all their friends at the end of the summer. They grill, and the kids play baseball. But suddenly, Sheila freezes. Jennifer’s friends has come back. But now he has his owner, Cyrus, chasing after him. Sheila’s dad explains how they know him, and about Jennifer’s condition. Everyone thinks it’s hilarious. Sheila suddenly remembers she’s in a yard with two dogs, and hightails it to the house. But when she gets inside, she thinks how a puppy would be a nicer, better dog than Turtle. And smaller and cuter, too. But she decides she’ll just think about that later.

o   Sheila and her dad play a cute game of hide and go seek when he comes home every night. She lines her shoes up pointing in the direction she hides. But they decide the Tarrytown house is too big to play in, after Sheila waits a long time and gets scared.

o   A good, recent interview with Judy Blume.

o   Ok, so I know I’ve been majorly slacking this week, and I’m sorry! Something came up on Tuesday evening/night, and then our power went out Wednesday night, and isn’t expected to be back on until noon Friday. WTF, right? It’s July in Texas, y’all, I need my air conditioning! Anyway, there WILL be another post today, just much later.

Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing

By Judy Blume. Published 1972.

Fuck you, spellcheck. Blume is spelled right.

O.K. So, this is my first post under the influence of some alcohol. So…we’ll see how this goes. But I didn’t want to leave y’all high and dry just because it’s a holiday in my country today. We’re a giving people. But this may be short and sweet. Or maybe longwinded. WHO KNOWS???

So, I may be biased on my review of this, because I also have a brother six years younger than me. But he was never this bad. So let me just flat out say it. Peter’s little brother, Fudge, is a straight up, annoying-ass brat. Most of the adults in this story find him adorable, at least at first, but I don’t have the patience for this kind of shit.

So, to start off with, Peter wins himself a very tiny turtle, that he names Dribble. That is awesome. But his mother is all like, Oh my goodness! He smells! You better take care of him yourself! And Peter’s all, no shit, he’s mine, of course I will. And he is strictly hands-off to that little shithead Fudge.

Their dad is an advertising exec. I don’t actually watch Mad Men, but I’m going to assume it’s close to this. It is 1972.  That’s pretty close, right? Anyway, their dad chooses to have one of his biggest clients and his wife stay at their apartment instead of a hotel. So you just know that’s going to go well. The wife thinks Fudge is just adorable at first. But then during dinner when he’s supposed to be in bed, Fudge brings out Dribble (who he’s not supposed to touch, goddammit!) and freaks the wife out. Then he comes out with a gorilla mask, and freaks her out even more. So yeah, his dad loses the account.

Fudge goes through a ridiculous phase where he won’t eat, and then will only eat on the floor like a dog. And then one night he won’t eat the cereal he insisted upon. So his father says, “You’ll eat it or you’ll wear it!” When he doesn’t eat it, his father takes him to the bathroom, and pours the cereal over him. I think it’s awesome. And it gets him to eat like a normal human being. Good job, Papa Fudge.

Peter has one friend from his class that lives on his block, Jimmy Fargo. What a badass sounding name. And then there’s a girl Sheila, who lives in his building, but he hates. Whatever, Sheila’s awesome, and we’ll get to her book soon enough. Peter and Jimmy get all pissed at Sheila one day because she’s on “their” rocks in the park. Motherfuckers, you don’t own any rocks in Central Park. Then Fudge comes randomly running up, with his mother trailing behind him. Sheila asks if she can watch him, and his mother forgot to turn the oven on, so she says alright, if Peter and Jimmy help her, and they go to the playground. So they go, and Fudge gets up high, and thinks he’s a bird, and jumps. Little freak knocks out his two front teeth and swallows them. They won’t grow back for a few years. Their mom gets really pissed off at Peter, but later realizes it really was just an accident.

Fudge turns three, and they have a party for him, which is a fucking disaster. They invite three kids, a morbidly obese eater, a biter, and crier that’s afraid of everything. It only lasts an hour and a half, but it feels like forever. And Peter has to help. One kid just cries, one falls asleep, and the other bites and pees on the floor. And they all bounce on the furniture. At the end of it, Peter’s mom agrees they were maybe a bit too young for a party.

Peter has a whole Saturday that’s ruined by having to go out with his mother and Fudge. First they go to the dentist, to check on Fudge’s nonexistent teeth. Peter has to go back and they use reverse psychology to get Fudge to open his mouth. And then they pretty much have to do the same thing to get him into a new pair of shoes. Saddle shoes, btw. Peter gets loafers. Then at lunch Fudge smears potatoes on the wall, and dumps peas over his head. Peter thinks their mother should have slugged him, and vows to never spend a day with him again.

Peter is assigned a group project with Sheila and Jimmy. They meet at Peter’s apartment, in his room. Jimmy and Peter mainly work, really hard, on the poster. Of course, one day Peter comes home to find that Fudge has destroyed it. Peter is PISSED, and with good reason. At least his mother feels bad, and Fudge gets in trouble. They make a new one, and aside from some group dynamic drama, do very well on their report.

Mama Fudge goes to visit her sister for a while, and Papa Fudge has to bring the boys to work with him. Somehow, his client decides Fudge is just PERFECT for the commercial they’re shooting, so they have to use him. Of course, Fudge is anything but cooperative, and they have to use reverse psychology with Peter again to make him do anything. And then they don’t tell Mama Fudge about it, they just let her see the commercial on TV. Nice.

Ugh, ok, let’s jus get down to the worst of it. FUDGE FUCKING EATS DRIBBLE! Yes, he eats a damn turtle! They take him to the hospital, and the doctors tell them the turtle will probably pass through him. Really? I know he’s a small turtle, but damn. Ouch. But they give Fudge all sorts of things to help the process along, but it’s not working. Meanwhile, Peter is worried about Fudge, but also about Dribble. But nobody else seems to give a damn about him. It’s quite frustrating.

So they start talking about having to perform surgery, but in the nick of time, he passes the turtle through. Unfortunately, Dribble did not make it. Sad. Peter’s grandmother gets all pissed at him for even asking if Dribble were alive or dead. Boo to her.

When he gets home from the hospital, Fudge gets a disgusting amount of attention and presents. But wait! Papa and Mama Fudge aren’t so awful after all! They remembered Peter, and bought him a dog to make up for Dribble. And they make it very clear he’s Peter’s dog, not Fudge’s. Peter names him Turtle, to remember Dribble.

o   Boy, y’all, living in New York in the 70’s. Everyone seems very nonchalant about muggings. Peter’s all, Yeah, Jimmy’s been mugged three times. No biggie. I know I’ll be mugged sometime, but my dad told me what to do, so it’s no biggie, either. WTF?

o   Right, so there’s a reason I don’t have children, and never will. This book kinda sums up part of that decision.