*hey*
*HEY*
*IS ANYONE STILL OUT THERE?*
I missed you awesome nerds!
So, I may not be blogging here anymore, BUT I've started a podcast with the same name and premise, but now I'm making my husband read along with me! 😂
Give us a listen and subscribe!
Fighting Over the Card Catalog
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
BSC #57: Dawn Saves the Planet
By Ann M. Martin, ghostwritten by Jahnna Beecham and Malcolm Hillgartner. Published June
1992.
God, you can tell just how bitchy she's going to be by the way her nose is stuck up in the air |
What
the fuck is this? A blog post? By Fighting Over the Card Catalog? HOLY HELL!!!
I
know. I KNOW!
Do
you want to know what I’ve been doing? Probably not. (If you followed me on
Twitter, you’d know) (No guilt. Really) The MOST important thing I’ve learned
in my time away is the wondrousness of vanilla vodka. So this post is brought
to you by Nikolai Vanilla Vodka. I’ve found Ivanabitch to be the best and most
delightfully named, but this is cheaper, so huzzah!
Anyway.
HOLY
FUCK what a beating of a book to resume with! Dawn! I hate you! So, we’ll see
how this goes.
We start with Dawn practically getting
a hard-on, rushing to answer the question her science teacher has posed: Do you
think kids can help save the planet? Dawn says of course they can! She’s a
member of the BSC! They can do anything! So that’s their assignment this
grading period. Come up with a project to save the whole fucking planet. No
pressure.
Dawn gets a job with the Barretts.
That’s all that happens in Chapter 2. You understand.
Just how fucking gorgeous is Mrs.
Barrett? It’s always mentioned. Or maybe
Dawn actually has more likely lesbian tendencies than Kristy. Something to
think about. Dawn gets on her environmental high horse, and turns a fun
afternoon with a sticker book of marine animals into a guilt trip. But she gets
a Great Idea™! She can teach a class of kids how to save the planet! And she
wants Stacey to help her, even though they’re not in the same class. But Mrs.
Gonzalez “will just have to” let them. Of course.
So, Dawn and Stacey have their first
meeting, and decide to start calling kids about it right away. They have
nothing actually planned out, however. Fortunately, they call Kristy about
David Michael first, and she asks all sorts of questions, and then is like,
“Why don’t you call me back when you get your shit figured out?” So they do,
and eventually end up with thirteen kids for their class. Jesus, is there not
enough for kids to DO in Stoneybrook?
Their first class is all about
pollution and recycling. I hope I don’t have to expand on that for you, dear
readers. Then they bury a bunch of shit to learn what is biodegradable. Fun!
Dawn’s all excited about sharing the
news that Stoneybrook doesn’t really have a recycling program with the BSC. But
those bitches just seem to want to discuss club business at a meeting! The gall
of them! But Dawn finally gets to guilt trip them a bit. Thank goodness.
Only Vanessa and Nicky are in the class,
but of course they manage to get the rest of the Pike kids (except Mallory
obviously, because she has reached the magical age of eleven, and thus no
longer a child) into the Green Patrol. Which is completely annoying, and gets
totally out of hand. As it tends to do in the Pike household.
So Dawn wants to make SMS into a
recycling center. Mrs. Gonzalez thinks it’s a great idea, but they have to have
permission from Mr. Kingbridge, the Vice Principal. He says if she can show she
has the support of the other students, he’ll support it, too. The BSC are all
about it, of course. But when other people want to help, Dawn yells at them
about not recycling correctly. Cause ya know, she’s a self-righteous bitch.
Mary Anne tries to explain shit to her, but she doesn’t take it in.
At their next Kids Care class, they go
over the booths they’re going to have for their Green Fair. It all sounds
completely lame, but I’m sure the entire town will love it! Dawn asks the kids
if they’ve called their friends to harass them about recycling, and actually
has the balls to tell them she’s fucking DISAPPOINTED in them when only the
Kormans raise their hands. Dawn! What the ever loving fuck?!?! You NEVER tell
kids you’re disappointed in them, unless they’ve done something completely
terrible. Not simply for not complying with some whim of yours! Fuck! And THEN,
she insists Claudia design some fliers to hand out at school, because if the
kids do it, they won’t be professional enough. I guaran-damn-tee you that
Charlotte would spell better than Claud. Anyway, Stacey has pretty much had
enough of all this shit, but is afraid it’s going to permanently ruin her
friendship with Dawn.
SMS hands out a survey asking all the
students if they would like the school to be a recycling center, and if so, who
they would like to head it up: Mrs. Gonzalez, Dawn, or a write-in. They choose
the project, but also Mrs. Gonzalez as the leader, apparently because Dawn has
been annoying, harassing everyone. Dawn cries, but I laugh a little. I’m a
terrible person.
They have the opening ceremonies for
the SMS recycling center. I’m surprised there isn’t a fucking parade. But the
mayor is there, and she gives all the credit to Mrs. Gonzalez. Dawn about loses
her shit, and pouts all fucking day.
Kristy sits for the Kormans, who work
on projects for the Green Fair, and I guess it’s supposed to be fucking
adorable, but I don’t get it. And did anyone reading this at the age of nine
find these fictional nine-year-olds adorable? Or inspiring in any way? I
didn’t.
Dawn acts like an obnoxious, overbearing
bitch at the next BSC meeting, bossing everyone around, telling them what to do
for the Green Fair. Before she has even ASKED them to help. But, everyone calls
her out on it. She gets upset at first, but because they’re not ACTUALLY
thirteen-year-old girls, they’re able to eventually giggle about it, and move
on. Whatthefuckever.
They have the Green Fair. And it’s
wonderful! Everyone learns! So! Much! And they raise money for the SMS
Recycling Center! A BSC project will never fail! Yay!
Bleh.
Dawn and Stacey turn in their reports;
a shared thirty pages, plus a separate personal essay. They get A’s of course,
and Mrs. Gonzalez asks to speak with Dawn. She tells her she knows she must
have been upset about Mrs. Gonzalez being named head of the recycling project,
but she offers Dawn half the job. That’s nice and all, but it’s been WEEKS. You
knew she was probably feeling like shit, but waited until now to talk to her?
Whatever, Mrs. Gonzalez. I don’t believe we hear from her again.
And Dawn’s essay? It was all about how
you can’t do a big project on your own; you need your friends to help! Because
this whole book wasn’t just one long after-school special, PSA as it was.
Jesus Christ.
o
Stacey suggests they use the book 50 Simple Things Kids Can Do to Save theWorld. I TOTALLY had that book, and loved it. I was such a fucking
goody-goody.
o
Dawn guilt trips Mary Anne about only
using one side of her club notebook paper. But, seriously, Mary Anne? That’s
not just a waste of paper, but also a waste of money. I’m surprised Stacey and
Kristy didn’t get onto you for that.
o
It pisses me off when people get all
uppity about the use of paper towels. Dish towels and sponges spread germs,
motherfuckers! I learned that in 7th grade home ec, and it has stuck
with me. There is a time and place for each!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Twitter Transcript
Ok, so I didn’t get to watch this live exactly, I went out
of town all of a sudden. Surprise! But they re-aired it twice more, so no biggie!
Y’all. It was SO bad! Completely excellent.
I know I'm COMPLETELY late
on #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
, had to go out of town. But I'm taking the late shift!
So the most important
thing in casting was getting the hair correct, right? #priorities #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
I am SURE it's that easy
to get a show decided upon, with a stupid "oh...alright!" grin #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Screech looks like senior
Screech, while Zack looks like middle school Zack. #awkward #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Hayley Mills my ass... #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Belding's voice is pretty
good though. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Youngest by far?
What-the-fuck-ever. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
There's nothing I could
say about Slater's face that wouldn't be incredibly insulting #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Did everyone have to call
her "Tiffani Amber" constantly? #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Ok. Creeper, Slater. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Would Lisa Turtle really
ever wear anything that tame? #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Hahaha, having directed a
lot of teens, it is ridiculous to freak out after the 1ST run through. Good
lord #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
THAT was an impressive
example of his dancing?... #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
You're such a buzzkill,
Tiffani Amber! #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Totes need this soundtrack
#WordUp #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Hell yeah. The brick
phone. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
There truly are no words
for how bad the acting is for this. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
HA! "The young cast
was clearly chosen for their looks and not their talent" How meta. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Oh shit! Sexy Slater! Oh
noes!!! #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
We demand Very Special
Episodes, damn it! #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
No Tiffani Amber. No, you
are not good actors. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Lord. So much teenage
douchebaggery. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Ummmm...he DID say it to
your face... #dumbass
#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Y'all, I loved me some
Violet. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
...I'm getting bored... #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
YEEEEESSSS!!!! It's
coming! #ImSoExcitedImSoScared
#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
So Screech turns into an
alcoholic the same say they rehearse #ImSoExcitedImSoScared
? Life is awesome. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Was Lark EVER happy? #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
I'm guessing that was the
little girl from earlier? #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Screech, the Drunken
Karate Kid #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
...is that guy Screech's
assistant now or something? I'm confused. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Screech got drunk and
laid! Huzzah! #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Not by the guy in the
previous tweet, just to be clear. At least, I don't think so... #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
What IS Saved By the Bell
without Zack and Kelly? #truerwords #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
ALL THE TEARS!!! #notreally #totallylying
#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Oh Mark Paul. You. Are.
Such. A. Bad. Ass. #whatever
#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
...what? Dustin Diamond
came up with TWSS? What-the-fuck-ever. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Omg! SBtB blackmail?! Say
it isn't so! #notreally
#dontcare
#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
And Zack looks like he's
graduating from 8th grade. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Are flashbacks really
necessary in a 2 hour TV movie??? #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
So that woman is
responsible for the College Years and the New Class? #imighthateyou
#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Yeah, that kid is way too
adorable to portray Dustin Diamond. #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
Hahaha "The
End...ish" in script. SO DRAMATIC. Way to class it up there at the end! #UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory
So, overall? Hilariously bad, but NOTHING ACTUALLY INTERESTING
EVER HAPPENED. I do not understand exactly what the point of making this was.
But, it amused me.
And here’s this, just to amuse you:
For the record, I was completely a Zack girl. I was a sucker for
the longest time for that damn 90’s haircut. So, what about you? Zack or
Slater?
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