Tuesday, November 18, 2014

BSC #57: Dawn Saves the Planet

By Ann M. Martin, ghostwritten by Jahnna Beecham and Malcolm Hillgartner. Published June 1992.

God, you can tell just how bitchy she's going to be by the way her
nose is stuck up in the air

What the fuck is this? A blog post? By Fighting Over the Card Catalog? HOLY HELL!!!

I know. I KNOW!

Do you want to know what I’ve been doing? Probably not. (If you followed me on Twitter, you’d know) (No guilt. Really) The MOST important thing I’ve learned in my time away is the wondrousness of vanilla vodka. So this post is brought to you by Nikolai Vanilla Vodka. I’ve found Ivanabitch to be the best and most delightfully named, but this is cheaper, so huzzah!


HOLY FUCK what a beating of a book to resume with! Dawn! I hate you! So, we’ll see how this goes.

We start with Dawn practically getting a hard-on, rushing to answer the question her science teacher has posed: Do you think kids can help save the planet? Dawn says of course they can! She’s a member of the BSC! They can do anything! So that’s their assignment this grading period. Come up with a project to save the whole fucking planet. No pressure.

Dawn gets a job with the Barretts. That’s all that happens in Chapter 2. You understand.

Just how fucking gorgeous is Mrs. Barrett? It’s always mentioned.  Or maybe Dawn actually has more likely lesbian tendencies than Kristy. Something to think about. Dawn gets on her environmental high horse, and turns a fun afternoon with a sticker book of marine animals into a guilt trip. But she gets a Great Idea™! She can teach a class of kids how to save the planet! And she wants Stacey to help her, even though they’re not in the same class. But Mrs. Gonzalez “will just have to” let them. Of course.

So, Dawn and Stacey have their first meeting, and decide to start calling kids about it right away. They have nothing actually planned out, however. Fortunately, they call Kristy about David Michael first, and she asks all sorts of questions, and then is like, “Why don’t you call me back when you get your shit figured out?” So they do, and eventually end up with thirteen kids for their class. Jesus, is there not enough for kids to DO in Stoneybrook?

Their first class is all about pollution and recycling. I hope I don’t have to expand on that for you, dear readers. Then they bury a bunch of shit to learn what is biodegradable. Fun!

Dawn’s all excited about sharing the news that Stoneybrook doesn’t really have a recycling program with the BSC. But those bitches just seem to want to discuss club business at a meeting! The gall of them! But Dawn finally gets to guilt trip them a bit. Thank goodness.

Only Vanessa and Nicky are in the class, but of course they manage to get the rest of the Pike kids (except Mallory obviously, because she has reached the magical age of eleven, and thus no longer a child) into the Green Patrol. Which is completely annoying, and gets totally out of hand. As it tends to do in the Pike household.

So Dawn wants to make SMS into a recycling center. Mrs. Gonzalez thinks it’s a great idea, but they have to have permission from Mr. Kingbridge, the Vice Principal. He says if she can show she has the support of the other students, he’ll support it, too. The BSC are all about it, of course. But when other people want to help, Dawn yells at them about not recycling correctly. Cause ya know, she’s a self-righteous bitch. Mary Anne tries to explain shit to her, but she doesn’t take it in.

At their next Kids Care class, they go over the booths they’re going to have for their Green Fair. It all sounds completely lame, but I’m sure the entire town will love it! Dawn asks the kids if they’ve called their friends to harass them about recycling, and actually has the balls to tell them she’s fucking DISAPPOINTED in them when only the Kormans raise their hands. Dawn! What the ever loving fuck?!?! You NEVER tell kids you’re disappointed in them, unless they’ve done something completely terrible. Not simply for not complying with some whim of yours! Fuck! And THEN, she insists Claudia design some fliers to hand out at school, because if the kids do it, they won’t be professional enough. I guaran-damn-tee you that Charlotte would spell better than Claud. Anyway, Stacey has pretty much had enough of all this shit, but is afraid it’s going to permanently ruin her friendship with Dawn.

SMS hands out a survey asking all the students if they would like the school to be a recycling center, and if so, who they would like to head it up: Mrs. Gonzalez, Dawn, or a write-in. They choose the project, but also Mrs. Gonzalez as the leader, apparently because Dawn has been annoying, harassing everyone. Dawn cries, but I laugh a little. I’m a terrible person.

They have the opening ceremonies for the SMS recycling center. I’m surprised there isn’t a fucking parade. But the mayor is there, and she gives all the credit to Mrs. Gonzalez. Dawn about loses her shit, and pouts all fucking day.

Kristy sits for the Kormans, who work on projects for the Green Fair, and I guess it’s supposed to be fucking adorable, but I don’t get it. And did anyone reading this at the age of nine find these fictional nine-year-olds adorable? Or inspiring in any way? I didn’t.

Dawn acts like an obnoxious, overbearing bitch at the next BSC meeting, bossing everyone around, telling them what to do for the Green Fair. Before she has even ASKED them to help. But, everyone calls her out on it. She gets upset at first, but because they’re not ACTUALLY thirteen-year-old girls, they’re able to eventually giggle about it, and move on. Whatthefuckever.

They have the Green Fair. And it’s wonderful! Everyone learns! So! Much! And they raise money for the SMS Recycling Center! A BSC project will never fail! Yay!


Dawn and Stacey turn in their reports; a shared thirty pages, plus a separate personal essay. They get A’s of course, and Mrs. Gonzalez asks to speak with Dawn. She tells her she knows she must have been upset about Mrs. Gonzalez being named head of the recycling project, but she offers Dawn half the job. That’s nice and all, but it’s been WEEKS. You knew she was probably feeling like shit, but waited until now to talk to her? Whatever, Mrs. Gonzalez. I don’t believe we hear from her again.

And Dawn’s essay? It was all about how you can’t do a big project on your own; you need your friends to help! Because this whole book wasn’t just one long after-school special, PSA as it was.

Jesus Christ.

o   Stacey suggests they use the book 50 Simple Things Kids Can Do to Save theWorld. I TOTALLY had that book, and loved it. I was such a fucking goody-goody.

o   Dawn guilt trips Mary Anne about only using one side of her club notebook paper. But, seriously, Mary Anne? That’s not just a waste of paper, but also a waste of money. I’m surprised Stacey and Kristy didn’t get onto you for that.

o   It pisses me off when people get all uppity about the use of paper towels. Dish towels and sponges spread germs, motherfuckers! I learned that in 7th grade home ec, and it has stuck with me. There is a time and place for each!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Twitter Transcript

Ok, so I didn’t get to watch this live exactly, I went out of town all of a sudden. Surprise! But they re-aired it twice more, so no biggie!

Y’all. It was SO bad! Completely excellent.

I know I'm COMPLETELY late on ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory , had to go out of town. But I'm taking the late shift!

So the most important thing in casting was getting the hair correct, right? ‪#priorities ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

I am SURE it's that easy to get a show decided upon, with a stupid "oh...alright!" grin ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Screech looks like senior Screech, while Zack looks like middle school Zack. ‪#awkward ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Hayley Mills my ass... ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Belding's voice is pretty good though. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Youngest by far? What-the-fuck-ever. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

There's nothing I could say about Slater's face that wouldn't be incredibly insulting ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Did everyone have to call her "Tiffani Amber" constantly? ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Would Lisa Turtle really ever wear anything that tame? ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Hahaha, having directed a lot of teens, it is ridiculous to freak out after the 1ST run through. Good lord ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

THAT was an impressive example of his dancing?... ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

You're such a buzzkill, Tiffani Amber! ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Hell yeah. The brick phone. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

There truly are no words for how bad the acting is for this. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

HA! "The young cast was clearly chosen for their looks and not their talent" How meta. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Oh shit! Sexy Slater! Oh noes!!! ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

We demand Very Special Episodes, damn it! ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

No Tiffani Amber. No, you are not good actors. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Lord. So much teenage douchebaggery. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Ummmm...he DID say it to your face... ‪#dumbass ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Y'all, I loved me some Violet. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

...I'm getting bored... ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

So Screech turns into an alcoholic the same say they rehearse ‪#ImSoExcitedImSoScared ? Life is awesome. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

I'm guessing that was the little girl from earlier? ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Screech, the Drunken Karate Kid ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

...is that guy Screech's assistant now or something? I'm confused. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Screech got drunk and laid! Huzzah! ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Not by the guy in the previous tweet, just to be clear. At least, I don't think so... ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

What IS Saved By the Bell without Zack and Kelly? ‪#truerwords ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Oh Mark Paul. You. Are. Such. A. Bad. Ass. ‪#whatever ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

...what? Dustin Diamond came up with TWSS? What-the-fuck-ever. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Omg! SBtB blackmail?! Say it isn't so! ‪#notreally ‪#dontcare ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

And Zack looks like he's graduating from 8th grade. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Are flashbacks really necessary in a 2 hour TV movie??? ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

So that woman is responsible for the College Years and the New Class? ‪#imighthateyou ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Yeah, that kid is way too adorable to portray Dustin Diamond. ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

Hahaha "The End...ish" in script. SO DRAMATIC. Way to class it up there at the end! ‪#UnauthorizedSavedByTheBellStory

So, overall? Hilariously bad, but NOTHING ACTUALLY INTERESTING EVER HAPPENED. I do not understand exactly what the point of making this was. But, it amused me.

And here’s this, just to amuse you:

For the record, I was completely a Zack girl. I was a sucker for the longest time for that damn 90’s haircut. So, what about you? Zack or Slater?